As two caterpillars were crawling along, a butterfly flew overhead. One turned to the other and said,
"You'll never get me up in one of those things!"
What was the pirate movie rated?
What subject is a witch good at in school?
What do firemen put in their soup?
Why did the cookie go to the doctor?
Because it was feeling crummy.
What did the duck say when he bought lipstick?
Put it on my bill.
Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
It was stuck to the leg of a chicken !!!
What did the egg say to the other egg?
Let's get cracking!
What do you say to a cow that crosses in front of your car?
Why was the chicken afraid of the chicken?
It was a chicken.
Why did the turtle cross the road?
To get to the Shell Station!
How do you know if there's an elephant under your bed?
You bump your nose on the ceiling.
What would you call a sleeping bull?
Because their horns don't work.
What did Mickey say when Minnie asked if he was listening?
I'm all ears!
How can you make seven even?
Remove the "S"
Did you hear about the two silkworms who had a race?
It ended in a tie.
An FBI agent is interviewing a bank teller after the bank had been robbed 3 times by the same bandit. "Did you notice anything special about the man?" asks the agent. "Yes," replies the teller.
"He was better dressed each time."
A sloth is out for a walk when he's mugged by four snails. After recovering his wits, he goes to make a police report. "Can you describe the snails?" asks the officer.
"Not well, it all happened so fast," replies the sloth.
Why is Turtle Wax so expensive?
Because turtles have such tiny ears.
FATHER: How are your grades, son? SON: Under water, Dad.
FATHER: Under water? What do you mean?
SON: They're below C level.
SMART STUDENT: I'm taking French, Spanish, and Algebra this year.
LESS SMART STUDENT: Okay. Let me hear you say "good evening" in Algebra.
STUDENT: But I don't think I deserve a zero on this exam.
TEACHER: Neither do I, but it's the lowest mark I can give you.
Why did the boy bring a ladder to school?
He thought it was a high school!
If April showers bring May flowers then what do May flowers bring?
What's in the middle of a jellyfish?
Tourist: How would you describe the rain in this part of the country?
Local: Little drops of water falling from the sky
What did Tarzan say when he heard the elephants coming?
"Here come the elephants!"
Why did the parrot wear a raincoat?
So he could be polyunsaturated
How much does a pirate pay for his earrings?
What do mermaids have on toast?
Why do elephants never forget?
Because nobody ever tells them anything
How do porcupines play leapfrog?
What works only when it's fired?
Girl: What did you get that little medal for?
Boy: For singing
Girl: What did you get the big one for?
Boy: For stopping!
Why did the baker stop making donuts?
He got sick of the hole business
Why were the suspenders sent to jail?
For holding up a pair of trousers
What nails do carpenters hate to hit?
What do you call a very popular perfume?
Why can't you play jokes on snakes?
Because you can never pull their legs
What do ducks watch on TV?
What's white and fluffy and beats its chest?
What bird can be heard at mealtimes?
Santa walking backwards
What is at the end of everything?
The letter G
Through the engineers
What does the winner of the race lose?
What do you call a mosquito with a tin suit?
A bite in shining armour
What do giraffes have that no other animal has?
Did you hear about the wooden car with the wooden wheels and the wooden engine?
It wooden go!
What do you get if you cross a Cocker Spaniel with a Poodle and a rooster?
What do you call a pig with three eyes?
Where do mermaids go to see movies?
Why don't bats live alone?
They like to hang around with their friends
What do you get if you cross a daffodil with a crocodile?
I don't know but I wouldn't try sniffing it!
Why did the dolphin cross the beach?
To get to the other tide
What goes tick, tick, woof, woof?
A watch dog
What did the digital watch say to the grandfather clock?
Look pop, no hands
What's the difference between a jeweller and a jailer?
One sells watches and the other watches cells
What do you call a chicken at the North Pole?
How does a pig go to hospital?
In a hambulance.
Why is a slippery pavement like music?
If you don't C sharp, you'll B flat.
What do you get when you cross a cow with a duck?
Milk and quackers.
What would you see at a chicken show?
Why do bees have sticky hair?
Because they have honeycombs
What do bees do with their honey?
They cell it
Why are pianos hard to open?
The keys are inside
What starts with T, ends with T and is full of T?
Have you heard the joke about the garbage truck?
Don't worry, it's only a load of rubbish
If a dictionary goes from A to Z, what goes from Z to A?
What did the window say to the door?
What are you squeaking about, I'm the one with the pane!
How do you stop a dinosaur from charging?
Take away his credit card.
How do you make soup golden?
Add 24 carrots.
Why is tennis such a loud game?
Because each player raises a racquet.
Why do golfers take an extra pair of socks?
In case they get a hole in one.
How do you send a message in the forest?
By moss code.
What did the hat say to the scarf?
You hang around while I go on ahead.
What kind of cats like to go bowling?
What is white when it's dirty and black when it's clean?
Where was King Solomon's temple?
On his forehead.
What did the duck say when he'd finished shopping?
Put it on my bill please
Why are giraffes so slow to apologize?
It takes them a long time to swallow their pride
Why did the ram run over the cliff?
Answer: He didn't see the ewe turn
What do you get if you cross rabbits and termites?
What do you call a gorilla wearing ear-muffs?
Anything you like, he can't hear you.
What travels around the world and stays in a corner?
What's worse than raining cats and dogs?
What did the light say when it was turned off?
What do you get if you cross a shark with a parrot?
An animal that talks your head off.
Why do ducks watch the news?
To get the feather forecast.
When it's raining cats and dogs.
What did Cinderella say to the photographer?
Some day my prints will come.
What says `quick, quick'?
A duck with hiccups.
What's Tarzan's favorite Christmas carol?
What do you give an elephant with big feet?
Plenty of room.
What keeps jazz musicians on earth?
What is a porcupine's favorite food?
What's smaller than an ant's mouth?
An ants dinner.
How does a flea get from place to place?
Why was Cinderella thrown off the basketball team?
She ran away from the ball.
Who earns a living by driving his customers away?
What does a dentist call his x-rays?
Where do you send a frog to get glasses?
To a hoptometrist.
What happened when the chicken slept under the car?
She woke up "oily" the next morning.
If you drop a white hat into the Red Sea, what does it become?
No, but August May.
What do you call a blind dinosaur?
What do people do in clock factories?
They make faces all day.
Customer: How much is that duck?
Shopkeeper: Ten dollars.
Customer: Okay, could you please send me the bill?
Shopkeeper: I'm sorry, but you'll have to take the whole bird.
What's got a trunk, lots of keys and four legs?
A piano up a tree.
What do you call shoes made from banana skin?
Why was the elephant late for the plane?
Because he forgot his trunk.
What happened when 500 hares got loose in the center of town?
The police had to comb the area.
What book tells you all about chickens?
Why did the tap dancer retire?
He kept falling in the sink.
What did the banana do when the monkey chased it?
The banana split.
How do you stop a snake from striking?
Pay it decent wages.
What starts with E, ends with E but usually has one letter?
Why wouldn't they let the butterfly into the dance?
Because it was a moth ball.
Fish and ships.