A high school student asked his teacher if a person should be punished for something he hadn't done.
"No," said the teacher. "Of course not!"
"Good." said the boy. "Because I haven't done my homework.
Two robins were sitting in a tree. "I'm really hungry", said the first one. "Me, too" said the second. "Let's fly down and find some lunch." They flew to the ground and found a nice plot of plowed ground full of worms. They ate and ate and ate and ate 'til they could eat no more. "I'm so full I don't think I can fly back up to the tree", said the first one. "Me either. Let's just lay here and bask in the warm sun", said the second. "O.K." said the first. They plopped down, basking in the sun. No sooner than they had fallen asleep, a big fat tom cat sneaked up and gobbled them up. As the cat sat washing his face after his meal, he thought............ "I love baskin' robins!"
A man rushed into the doctor's office and shouted, "Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!!" The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down. You'll just have to be a little patient."
Ralph: Dad, will you do my math for me tonight?
Dad: No, son, it wouldn't be right.
Ralph: Well, you could try.
What do you get when you take the circumference of your jack-o-lantern and divide it by its diameter?
A team of engineers were required to measure the height of a flag pole. They only had a measuring tape, and were getting quite frustrated trying to keep the tape along the pole. It kept falling down, etc. A mathematician comes along, finds out their problem, and proceeds to remove the pole from the ground where he can measure it easily. When he leaves, one engineer says to the other: "Just like a mathematician! We needed to know the height, and he gave us the length!"
This chicken goes into a library and says to the Librarian, "Bawk" in a high pitched chicken's squawk. The librarian looks down, says "Oh, you want a book?", and gives the chicken a book. The chicken walks out the door with the book but is back in five minutes, drops the book in front of the Librarian, and says "Bawk, bawk." The Librarian says, "Oh, you want two books?" and gives the chicken two books. The chicken walks out the door with the two books. Five minutes later, the chicken is back, drops the books in front of the Librarian, and says, "Bawk, bawk, bawk." The Librarian says, "Oh, you want three books now?" and gives the chicken three books. The chicken walks out with the three books. This time the Librarian follows the chicken to see where the chicken is going. The chicken walks down to the pond below the Library and drops the books, one at a time, in front of a big bull frog. The frog looks at the books as they drop and says, in his deep bullfrog voice, "Red-it, red-it, red-it."
Mother: "Why are you home from school so early?"
Son: "I was the only one who could answer a question."
Mother: "Oh, really? What was the question?
Son: "Who threw the eraser at the principal?"
(speaking of throwing things away, don't miss our Reduce, Reuse, Recycle tips!)
One day nine year old David was asked by his mother if he'd like to learn how to bake a cake. She told him "You'll have no trouble, as long as you follow the instructions on the box." Later she was shocked to return to the kitchen and find David with his hand submerged in batter. "What are you doing?" she gasped. "I'm just following the instructions on the box." David announced. "They say 'Mix by hand.' "
"Why do we have to go here?" E.J., six, wanted to know when he was dropped off at the day care center at a new health club. " His mother replied, "So Mommy can get skinny!" But when she picked him up 45 minutes later, he looked disappointed. "AWW, Mom," he cried. " It didn't work!"
Three year old son Scott had thin fly-away hair, so his mother often wet it to comb it into place. One morning as she applied water and slicked his hair back, she announced it was time for him to get another haircut. "Mom." Scott replied, "If you'd quit watering it so much, it wouldn't grow so fast!"
Four year old Caitlin was riding home with her mother when she asked, " Mommy, can I borrow your makeup?" When her mother asked why, Caitlin replied, "My teacher said we're having a make-up class next Thursday, and I don't have any makeup, so I need to borrow yours!"
One day three-year-old Lauren and her mom were running errands. Everything the mom said or did, Lauren asked, "Why?" Finally, mom said, "Lauren, please stop asking me why." After a short silence, she looked at her and asked, "Okay, how come?"
One morning a kindergarten teacher was teaching her class how to spell simple, three-letter words, such as cat. When she hinted that there was a vowel in the middle, one little boy asked what a vowel was. Before she could answer, six-year old Nick chimed in, "You know what a vowel is! Those letters you buy on Wheel of Fortune!"
Four-year-old Jeffrey was riding with his dad when the dad spotted a flock of geese flying overhead. The dad told Jeffrey to look out the window so he could see how the geese formed the letter V. Jeffrey looked up, then asked, "Do geese know the rest of the alphabet too?"
After his shower, eight-year old Nick came downstairs and announced that he had washed his hair and body with the new shampoo I'd bought. When I asked him why he'd done that, he replied, "Because the bottle said full body!"
A seventh grade Biology teacher arranged a demonstration for his class. He took two earth worms and in front of the class he did the following: He dropped the first worm into a beaker of water where it dropped to the bottom and wriggled about. He dropped the second worm into a beaker of Ethyl alcohol and it immediately shriveled up and died. He then asked the class if anyone knew what this demonstration was intended to show them. A boy in the second row immediately shot his arm up and, when called on said:
"You're showing us that if you drink alcohol, you won't have worms!"
Father: " I know why you are getting such bad grades. You're spending too much time watching television."
Son: " I'm sorry, you'll have to phrase that in the form of a question."
Fun Business Signs:
- In a non-smoking area: "If we see you smoking we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action." (Learn About the Dangers of Smoking from Mama Didn't Know)
- At an Optometrist's Office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place.
- On a Scientist's door: "Gone Fission"
- On the door of a Computer Store: "Out for a quick byte."
- In a Podiatrist's window: "Time wounds all heels."
- In a Veterinarian's waiting room: "Back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
- In a Cafeteria: "Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria. Socks can eat any place they want."
- In a Counselor's office: "Growing old is mandatory. Growing wise is optional!"
- At a diet center: "It's no accident that stressed spelled backwards is desserts!"
Once a duck went to a restaurant and asked "Do you have any grapes?" The waiter replied "We do not allow ducks or other animals in this restaurant, so you'll have to leave!" The duck went away, but came back an hour later. Again he asked "Do you have any grapes?" Again the waiter replied "I told you earlier we do not allow ducks in this restaurant. Go away! And if you come in here again, I'll staple your feet to the floor!" An hour later, the duck returned and asked "Do you have any staples?" The waiter replied "NO!". "Good...." said the duck, "then, do you have any grapes?"
Overheard at the NIEHS First Environments Day Care from a 4-year old:
Do you know why Mickey Mouse bought a telescope?
Because he wanted to see Pluto!
Food for Thought:
If it takes a cup of chocolate chips to make a batch of chocolate chip cookies and a cup of peanut butter to make a batch of peanut butter cookies, does it take a cup of Girl Scouts to make a batch of Girl Scout cookies?
A neutron walks into a restaurant and orders a soda. After finishing the drink the neutron asks the waiter, "How much?." The waiter replies, "For you, no charge."
Two atoms were sitting in a restaurant. When they left, the first said "Wait, I have to go back! I left an electron behind!" "Are you sure?" asked the other. "Yes" said the first atom, I'm positive!
So the baby snake says to its mom: "Mom, are we poisonous?" And the mommy snakes says, "Why do you ask?" The baby replies, "Because I just bit my tongue."
Two cows were lying in a field. One of them says to the other, "So, what do you think about this mad cow disease?" The other says, "What do I care. I'm a helicopter."
A man goes to the doctor and he has a banana sticking out of each ear and corn in his nose. He says, "Doc, I don't feel well" and the doctor replies "Well, you're not eating right"!
A Mushroom goes to a dance and walks up to a girl and asks her to dance.
"I'm not dancing with you" she replies.
"Aw, come on..." the mushroom says.
"Why not? I'm a fungi!" (fun guy)
If corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil come from?
Can you imagine a world with no hypothetical situations?