More Jokes
Nicole: Today my teacher yelled at me for something I didn't do.
Amelia: What was that?
Nicole: My homework!
What part of a fish weighs the most?
The scales.
What do pigs put on sore toes?
Oinkment!
How do you stop a skunk from smelling?
Put a clothes peg on its nose!
What does a bee use to brush its hair?
A honeycomb!
What do you get when you cross a cow with a rabbit?
Hare in your milk!
What did the tornado say to the car?
You wanna go for a spin?
What do you get when you cross a snake and a kangaroo?
A jump rope.
What is black and white and white all over?
A scared skunk!
Why did the cookie go to see the doctor?
He was feeling crummy!
Why did the turkey cross the road?
It was the chicken's day off!
Why did the skeleton play the piano?
Because he didn't have any organs!
What time is it when an elephant sits on a fence?
Time to get a new fence!
What did the grape do when it got stepped on?
It let out a little wine!
Why did the Turtle cross the road?
To get to the Shell station!
Why did the man put his money in the freezer?
He wanted cold hard cash!
What did the porcupine say to the cactus?
Is that you, Mama?
What is black and white and sleeps a lot?
A snoozepaper!
What do you get when you cross a telephone with a very big football player?
A wide receiver!
Why do cows use the doorbell?
Because their horns don't work!
What happened when the cow jumped over the barbed wire fence?
It was an udder catastrophe!
What do birds need when they are sick?
A tweetment!
What vegetable do you get when a large animal walks through your garden?
Squash!
What animal keeps the best time?
A watch dog.
What do you call fishing when you don't catch any fish?
Drowning worms!
Why did the boy throw butter out the window?
He wanted to see a butterfly.
What did the snail say when he rode on the turtle's back?
WHEEEEEEEE!
Why couldn't the Teddy Bear eat?
Because he was stuffed!
Why do seagulls fly over the sea?
Because if they flew over the bay they would be Bagels!
Why couldn't the flower ride his bike?
Because he lost his petals!
What did the blanket say to the bed?
Got you covered!
Why does it get hot after a baseball game?
Because all the fans have left!
What is black and white and red all over?
A zebra with a sunburn.
Where do cows go on Friday night?
To the moo-vies.
Why did the boy throw a glass of water out the window?
He wanted to see a waterfall.
Where do boats go when they are sick?
To the doc(k).
What did the mayonnaise say to the bread?
Close the door, I'm dressing.
What did one wall say to the other?
I will meet you at the corner.
What runs around a farm but doesn't move?
A fence.
Why couldn't Cinderella get on the baseball team?
Because she ran away from the ball.
Who was the invisible man's parents ?
His transparents
If a housefly was dropped into a glass of Coke why wouldn't it get injured?
Because Coke is a soft drink.
Why did the farmer buy a brown cow?
Because he wanted chocolate milk.
Why did the monkey cross the road?
Because there was a banana on the other side.
What kind of music do mummies like?
"Wrap" music.
Why are elephants wrinkled?
Have you ever tried to iron one?
What did one plate say to the other plate?
Lunch is on me.
Where does a bird go when it loses it's tail?
To a retail store.
Why did the Dalmatian refuse to bathe in the dishwasher detergent?
He didn't want to come out spotless.
Why did the shoe cry?
It bit its tongue.
When does it rain money?
When there's a change in the weather.
What do cars, trees, and elephants all have in common?
They all have trunks.
What do you call a fish with no eye?
A fsh.
Why can't a bike stand up for itself?
Because it's two tired.
What protects a clown from the sun?
The Bozone layer.
What kind of coat goes on wet and never has buttons?
A coat of paint.
What did the bug say when it hit the windshield?
I don't have the guts to do that again.
What do frogs drink?
Croak-a-Cola.
Why is it hard to carry on a conversation with a goat?
Because they're always butting in.
What kind of building is the tallest in the world?
A library; it has the most stories.
Who serves ice cream faster than a speeding bullet?
Scooperman!
Where do mice put their boats?
At the hickory dickory dock.
How do angels greet each other?
They wave halo.
What kind of driver never gets a speeding ticket?
A screwdriver.
What's brown, has a hump, and lives at the North Pole?
A lost camel.
What did one volcano say to the other volcano?
I lava you.
What is better than a dog that can count?
A spelling bee.
What did the tree say to the woodcutters?
"Leaf me alone!"
Did you hear the joke about the playing cards?
It's no big deal.
What would you get if you crossed a giraffe with a rooster?
An animal who wakes up people who live on the top floor.
Why couldn't Noah play cards on the ark?
The elephant was standing on the deck.
What makes a chess player happy?
Taking a knight off.
Why does a ballerina wear a tutu?
Because one-one's too small and three-three's too big.
If two shirt collars had a race, which one would win?
Neither one. It would end in a tie.
What do you get if you cross a sheep and a porcupine?
An animal that knits its own sweaters.
Do you think it's hard to spot a leopard?
No they come that way.
What does an aardvark like on its pizza?
Ant-chovies.
What kind of shot do you give a sick car?
A fuel injection.
Why are fish never good tennis players?
They don't like getting close to the net.
What do you get if you cross a parrot and a shark?
A bird that talks your ear off.
Where is the best place to have a bubble gum contest?
On a choo-choo train.
Why did the umpire throw the chicken out of the baseball game?
He suspected fowl play.
What do rabbits use to keep their fur in place?
Hare-spray.
What did one octopus say to the other octopus?
I want to hold your hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand.
What did the judge say when the skunk went into the court room?
Odor in the court.
What do you get when you cross a pig with a centipede?
Bacon and legs.
What has four legs and goes "oom-oom" A cow walking backwards.
What does a police officer use when he arrests a pig?
Ham cuffs.
Where does a hog look when he can't spell very well?
The pigtionary.
What's green, has 6 legs, and if it falls out of a tree and lands on you, it could hurt?
A pool table.
What did one rose say to the other?
"Hi Bud."
Why did the baby cookie cry?
Because its mother was a wafer so long.
Who can write nursery rhymes and squeeze oranges at the same time?
Mother Juice.
What does a 300 pound budgie say?
"Polly want a cracker, NOW!"
What two things aren't eaten for breakfast?
Lunch and dinner.
What do you call 20 rabbits moving backwards?
A receding hare line.
Did you hear about the two kids that walked into a church?
It was kind of silly, the second one should have seen it coming.
What kind of beans can't grow in a garden?
Jelly Beans.
What's gray, has big ears and a trunk?
A mouse on vacation.
How does the ocean say hello to the sand?
It waves.
Where do polar bears keep their money?
In a snow bank.
How do you catch a squirrel?
Climb up a tree and act like a nut.
Why did the spider cross the road?
To get to another web site.
What did the postcard say to the stamp?
Stick with me kid, and we'll go places.
What does a train do with food?
Chew, chew.
What flower grows between your nose and your mouth?
Tulips.
Why did the chicken cross the playground?
To get to the other slide.
Where can you find an ocean without water?
On a map.
Why didn't the clock work?
Because it needed a hand.
Why did the dog cross the road?
To get to the barking lot.
Why do fish live in salt water?
Because pepper makes them sneeze.
What question can't be answered with a yes?
Are you asleep?
What's full of holes but still holds water?
A sponge.
Why did the chicken cross the road and roll in the dirt, then cross the road again?
Because he was a dirty double crosser.
How do you hide an elephant in a cherry tree?
Paint his toenails red.
Some of the Reasons Why People Don't Exercise .....but we think you should exercise anyway!
- My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now and we don't know where she is!
- I joined a health club last year, spent about $400. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to show up.
- I have to exercise in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.
- I don't exercise at all. If we were meant to touch our toes, they would have grown in further up our body.
- I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
- I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
- Is the advantage of exercising every day that you die healthier?
- If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a very small country.
- I don't jog because it makes the ice jump right out of my soda.
Why didn't the lobster share his toys?
He was too shellfish.
Why wouldn't the dog talk to it's foot?
It's not polite to talk back to your paw.
What kind of wood gets scared?
Petrified wood.
What do you call someone that keeps talking when no one is listening?
A teacher.
Why didn't they play cards on Noah's ark?
Noah kept sitting on the deck.
What's in an astronaut's favorite sandwich?
Launch meat.
What do you call two banana peels?
A pair of slippers.
Why did the elephant stand on the marshmallow?
So he wouldn't fall into the hot chocolate!
What toothpaste does Santa use?
Crest'mas!
Why does Santa have three gardens?
So he can "Ho ho ho.
What do you call someone who is afraid of Santa Claus?
Claustrophobic!
What does Frosty the Snowman eat for breakfast?
Snowflakes!
Why was Santa's little helper depressed?
Because he had low elf esteem.
What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Frostbite.
What do you get when you cross an archer with a gift-wrapper?
Ribbon Hood.
What did the dirt say when it started to rain?
If this keeps up, my name is gonna be mud!
Why did Cinderella get kicked off the baseball team?
For running away from the ball!
Why would Snow White make a great judge?
Because she's the fairest in the land.
Why kind of vehicle do Disney characters drive?
Minnie-vans!
Why was Cinderella such a bad figure skater?
Because her coach was a pumpkin!
Why do roosters never get rich?
Because they work for chicken feed.
What do patriotic monkey's wave on Flag Day?
Star Spangled Bananas.
Why is an empty purse always the same?
Because there's never any change in it.
How many hamburgers can you eat on an empty stomach?
Only one or part of one, because after that your stomach is no longer empty.
Why is it a bad idea to write a letter on an empty stomach?
Because it's much better to write on paper.
What do you take off last before getting into bed?
Your feet off the floor.
What is the one thing everybody in the world is doing at the same time?
Growing older.
Why isn't your nose 12 inches long?
Because then it would be a foot.
When are your eyes not eyes?
When the wind makes them water.
What time is it when you see an elephant sitting on your fence?
Time to buy a new fence.
If you threw a green shoe into the Red Sea, what would it become?
Wet.
Why is paper money more valuable than coins?
When you put it in your pocket you double it, when you take it out it's in creases.
What's the difference between a jeweler and a jailor?
One sells watches and the other watches cells.
Which burns longer, the candles on a girl's birthday cake or the candles on a boy's birthday cake?
Neither. They both burn shorter.
Why is a baseball game like a pancake?
Because they both depend on the batter.
Doctor: "I can't do anything about your condition. I'm afraid it's hereditary.
Patient: "In that case, send the bill to my parents."
